I can't define happiness these days.
It's late Sunday night. Reilly and Addie are "at their dad's," which translates into "Dave's mom's house." Jolie is here with me.
I gave her a bath, brushed her hair, put on her pajamas. She crawled up on the couch and fell asleep, just like that. I will soon carry her to bed. This little girl did not get her nap today. Earlier tonight she "swam" at the pool with Reilly. I sat and watched them, big sister and little sister.
Reilly calls herself Jolie's "second mommy." Reilly played wholeheartedly with her baby sister. She even made sure Jolie had a life jacket on, and then Reilly filled Jolie's pool time with all kinds of fun: piggy back rides across the pool and "snorkeling" with Reilly's gear that was way too big for Jolie... way too big for Jolie's little face. Hilarious! I really need to get an iPhone (yes!) to take everyday pictures of my girls! Jolie wants so badly to be a "big girl."
They played; they made new friends; they splashed all over the place. I loved watching them. I can't wait to do it again.
Tonight is the first night I feel more at peace about Dave not "living" here anymore. I know I am doing the right thing. I don't even know what happiness with another person is or could be anymore after being yelled at for so many years.
What I will never understand: why he is not (was not) willing to do whatever it takes to save his marriage and live a happy life. Too many years have passed by in this state... I feel like I've been cheated out of happiness.
He started yelling at the end of my pregnancy with Addie, and he hasn't stopped. It's only gotten worse. That is his way of dealing with stress, dealing with feeling overwhelmed. I cannot tell you how many times I have said to him, "This way isn't working, so why do you keep doing it?"
I've asked him to seek counseling, take antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety medication. I've tried to reason with him about why he yells all of the time. I've tried to help him "fix" his own life, but he does not want my help.
I've thought... Does he need more time to himself? Does he need more "breaks" from the kids? Does he need to do more things with his friends? Does he need a hobby? Does he need time to exercise?
He's in denial that he has a problem. It's easier, I suppose, to turn everything around and to put the blame back on me. I make him yell; I make him mad. This is what he tells me. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't act the way he does.
Then why have I come home to find him yelling and screaming at the girls? Why can he not control himself? Why will he not go for help?
Why does he say that yes, he will seek professional help, and then days, weeks, months, and years go by, and he does not take any steps to help himself, to work on his marriage, to act appropriately in front of his children? I really feel that he is playing a game: buy more time. Tell me he'll go for help. Talk about finding a counselor, but then never do it. I have even said to him, "I'd rather have you tell me the truth. I'd rather have you tell me that you will never seek help than make me believe otherwise...just to buy more time." He buys more time so he can remain in this state of limbo: he doesn't have to work on the marriage or his problems, and he doesn't have to move out and get a divorce because he keeps me believing that he is "about" to seek help for his issues.
It's really unfair: to all of us.
I am frustrated. I just want a happy life. I know what could be, but I also know after six years of this, that what could be will never be with this person. Even without the yelling, Dave simply does not put effort into this relationship. There are so many other issues... He admits that he has taken things for granted and that he continues to do so. Yet, he doesn't change.
That is not my life view. I don't want to take things or people for granted. I'm capable of so much more than who I am (able to be) in this relationship. Even if, all of a sudden, Dave was willing to try, what does that really mean after six years of not being "present" in this marriage, of him not trying? How do you move beyond that? And chances are, this is how he will be forever...even if he quits yelling. He simply does not put any effort forth into the relationship.
I am beyond frustrated. I feel like I am barely functioning. I don't want to feel this way. I want to withdraw. If I'm not going to be taken seriously... If I don't matter... If I'm only a convenience... Then why not end it and pursue a new life? This is not how I deserve to be treated. Do not all of us have the right to pursue a life that makes us happy? Maybe I'll never be appreciated.
Happiness? No clue here.
